About to go into battle

It's been an obnoxious night of prep for my procedure today, but in just over an hour I'm to go into battle. If I don't return, know that I went under battling not one but two mechanical metal tentacles.

Godspeed, Sir.

and it's been battle off and on since.

But looking back on it things turned a good way for a time and I can look back on this post with the knowledge that it worked out better than I expected when I posted it.

Between the heat, the lung irritation from mothball exposure, and aggressively hostile digestive issues it would be more than enough for me. But somehow in all this my mystery symptoms for this year are flaring again. My tongue hurts and taste foul, I can't seem to sleep, I shiver and sweat even in comfortable temperatures, my back hurts and there is a achey sore swolleness to everything.

So I'm going to go to bed now, and hope that two plus a bit from now I may look at this again and feel a slight sense of bemusment at the feelings of helplessness and vulnerability my health these 8 months has force on me. and maybe feel a sense of enthusiasm for what surely must be my ultimate triumph over all my problems... that of I find a lovely dream to never wake from.

well it's kinda sad to look back on this now. I figured out some solutions to my health issues in time to lose my home of 8 year, and feel abandoned by friends and family... and tried to turn that around into freedom to adventure. And I went so far. I've been to 49 of the 50 states, talked with hundreds of creative people. Found a place to land when I came back, are worked on dozens of passion projects.

I spent the better part of the subsequent year trying to get my financial head above water. And ended up essential worker in the biggest global pandemic since the 1918 flu, ended up contracting the new virus, mostly recovering with a few lingering symptoms, and now ...

my friend and landlord is fighting this virus and he's worried he's not doing so well. I'm worried it'll kill one or both of them. And meanwhile the problems I had at the time I last posted all seem to be happening again, like a repeat of the past. Only now I'm older, and a part of me gets depressed feeling like maybe this isn't events that come into my life, but this is what my life is.

Ah, well. maybe in a few more years I'll be looking back at this from a place of my own with financial security, medical interventions having given me relief from so many of my worries, and waking each day to work on and create things I'm passionate about.